This is particularly effective when dealing with a narcissist
When you feel the urge to defend yourself, don’t.
Defensiveness often feels logical. You want to explain, clarify, or correct the story being told about you. But in arguments, defense is actually a status loss.
The moment you start defending, you silently agree with the other person’s brain that:
You’re the one who must justify yourself.
Instead of defending, shift into calm questions that put the focus back on clarity and reality — not blame. Questions keep you in your authority without escalating the situation.
Here are five powerful replacements for defensiveness:
- “Let’s slow this down. What specifically are you reacting to here?”
Helps identify the real issue instead of fighting about everything at once. - “When you say that, what are you assuming about my intent?”
Brings hidden assumptions into the open. - “Let’s deal with one point at a time. Which one matters most right now?”
Prevents overwhelm and circular arguing. - “That’s a conclusion. Walk me through how you got there.”
Gently challenges mind-reading or leaps in logic. - “What would need to change for this to feel resolved for you?”
Moves the conversation toward solutions instead of attacks.
The rule underneath all of this
- Defensiveness hands away your authority.
- Curious questions quietly take it back.
When you stop defending, something surprising happens:
Most arguments collapse on their own.
Because many arguments are fueled not by truth, but by assumption, projection, and emotional reactivity. When you stop feeding them with defensiveness, there’s nothing left to push against.
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